Monday, October 27, 2008

#9 Most Embarrassing Moment

I am feeling a rush of emotions as I begin to type this next post.  Dread, dire humiliation, sorrow for those involved, and of course: embarrassment.  So, lets hurry up an get this over with!

I am 9 months pregnant with my second child, Caleb (as I type this I notice a trend...), and for some reason (shockingly) I was alone in the house with little Noah, who was just under 2 years old at the time.  Before I go on, let me just tell you about my precious Noah:  He has the ability to frab (in consideration of Sandi, we will just use that word instead of barf) at the worst possible moments.  

So, it is 9:00 at night, and Noah had, for whatever reason, frabbed.  In order to save the carpets, I positioned myself to be a human sacrifice.  Completely grossed out I stripped myself of all the clothing and dumped them straight into the washing machine.  (side note, the washer and dryer are located right beside the front door of the army housing where we lived...GREAT design plan.  really.)  

Anyway, (of course, my luck!) so happens some person knocks on the door just as soon as these events occur...  I had absolutly no intention of answering the door, and (thank the good Lord) pulled my just washed non-maternity robe out of the dryer...when I see Noah fling open the front door to reveal my male neighbor.  Panic arises in my throat at the awkwardness of him seeing me in my robe...but I assure myself that it is him who should feel awkward for obviously interupting me at a bad time...and BESIDES my robe almost touched the ground, so I was covered, right?  (Please insert the rolling of my eyes at this moment.)

I calmly greet him, while keeping my arms folded over my chest to ensure there would be no gapping of the robe (because we MUST be modest, right ladies?)!  He just stands there and looks at me with an expression on his face that cannot be classified with words.  

He looks at me.

I look at him.

Finally he askes me if this is a bad time, and I respond with some generic answer, beginning to get  annoyed that he is acting so weird and taking up my time.  I see his face getting red and he mumbles something about coming back later.  Totally annoyed now, I close the door, gently scold Noah to never open the door again, and walk upstairs to take a shower...only to be greeted with my reflection in the full-leangth mirror.  And my friends....I now understood this poor (now scared) man's facial expression.  My non-maternity rob did a GREAT job of covering up my chest.  However, everything belly and below was WIDE open.   Let me just tell was NOT pretty.  To those people that say when a woman is pregnant, that is when she is sexiest...liars!  Trust me, there was nothing "radiant" or "glowing" about me at this moment (unless you count the reflection of the bathroom lights on my stretch marks!)

I totally lose it and call my husband in hysterics.  I explained what happened and this is how he responded:

"Whoa...and I know you haven't even shaved you legs in like a month.  Rough."  

Just poor lemon juice on my paper cut, why don't you?!

...and so began my therapy.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Most Embarrassing moment #10

On the heels of my Keystone Staff shout out, I realize that I should post another promised blog...the dread 10 most embarrassing moments of my life.  Instead of a list (which I LOVE lists!) these deserve their own posts.  It has taken me a while to build up the courage to even post some of these...but seems my therapist thinks it will help me get over my issues.  haha...


Right after the birth of my second child, Caleb, I returned to work at a high-level military office where I was an assistant to a full-colonel and his staff.    Now, before I go on, let me just say one thing, that I am sure other moms will back me up on: You go through phases after you birth a baby, one of which is feeling some-what skinny and excited that you can fit into normal clothes that were not made out the same material and patterns that make tents.  (This SHORT phase is then followed by a period of feeling fat...this phase lasts...well, I am not sure if it ever goes away!) But on with the story:

I was feeling rather thrilled that I was able to wear a silky long skirt that had a cute tie waist.  Of course, these are the days before spanx, so I wore a very sexy pair of control top nude pantyhose with reinforced toes just to smooth things up a bit.

This skirt was GREAT...light weight, flow-y, blah blah blah.  I had slight troubles with the tie waist, only because is was so silky that it didn't stay tied, but no big deal, right??

(I know you know what is coming!)

So I leave my office and prance (enjoying my non-pregnant walk!) down the hallway, I pass a retired general that I worked with, I smile and say hello...only to hear in retort,

 "WHOA!!!  HEY!!!" followed by one of those wheezing laughs where only the first haaaaaaaa gets out.

I pause and begin to turn around, to see what the commotion was about...however, in mid-turn, I happen to catch my foot on something.  I look down, and I see my skirt PUDDLED around my feet!!!  He was "Whoa, hey"ing and doing the silent laugh at ME!!! 

Of course I bend over (on a gracious note to my blog readers, if this ever happens to you, NEVER BEND over...), scoop up my skirt and RUN the nearest bathroom (that happened to be the mens!) and sobbed there for an hour.

If you want to know what I was crying about, I will let you know.  It was not the fact my skirt fell, or the general saw it, I was so upset because all I could think was the fact that instead of normal underwear that day, I had decided to wear my purple MATERNITY underwear.  And let me go back to the beginning of the blog where I mentioned the control-top pantyhose....All you ladies out there that have ever worn maternity underwear, you know what I am talking about.  These are the grandmother of all granny-pannies.  And to have them crinkled up under nude pantyhose of a woman who is just a few weeks postpartum?!  

I disgraced all womanhood that day. 

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Now THAT is what I call a prayer walk!

You know, someone who shall remain anonymous (A-P-R-I-L C-O-L-Q-U-E-T-T), laughed today at church in disbelief of my stories of my life with 4 boys under 9.  Let my just tell you, friends...they are ALL true.  And I have my therapy bills to prove it!

Actually, this is a sweet little note about my Caleb. (Whom, I believe is a minister-in-training!)

He came home from school with a red mark on his forehead.  I casually asked what happened, totally expecting to hear that alien life forms came to Earth and tried to kidnap him, or maybe a football injury from recess when he made the winning touch down or something. 

But no!  This was his reponse: 

"I was praying for Mr. Rob's twin babies, and I ran into a wall."

Hmmm... laugh at the obvious, or bawl because my baby has the heart of angel?!?

Friday, October 17, 2008

hose whoas

You know your house is REALLY in need of cleaning when you walk into the living-room and your 2-year old is "cleaning" the house with a jet-sprayer attached to the outside garden hose.  Items hit:  Big Screen TV (don't tell my hubby!), popcorn ceiling (don't tell my inlaws!), couch (See below), and my face while I make a mad grab for the offending child.  

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Customer Care Outsourcing is stoopid

I would like to invite you into a conversation I had today with the Customer Care hotline of American Airlines:

Customer Care Agent:  "Good morning, my name is James, how can I help you?"

Me:  "Good morning, James, how are you?" (trying to start off on a positive note...)

Customer Care Agent: "I am sorry, ma'am, I don't understand the question, let me refer you to someone else.  Hold please."

Me: ... (stunned silence)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Keystone Shout-Out: Staff Edition

Do you remember the series called, "You Asked For It?"   I will divulge a little secret to you...there were a TON of questions about the Keystone Staff and the behind the scenes questions. 
Well, of course, this got me thinking about doing my own little blog about my favorite stafferies. (I totally just made that word up, but I like it, don't you?!  But if Beyonce can get "bootylicios" in the dictionary, I THINK stafferies is a shoo-in.)

Let's start with the Big Pappa himself...don't ya just love him?!? Even my grandmother who is hard-core Episcopalian loves him! (Brandon reminds us both of my wonderful (and perfect) brother, Mat.) What I really like and admire about Brandon is the undeniable passion for his mission from God. He is so passionate about bringing people the "a whole notha' level" in understanding God's love for us and our value in Him. Amazing stuff. I respect Brandon's leadership, creativity, and fact that he does not ever allow his position of authority to ever be about himself.  Of, course we all know about Brandon's bean quirk:  He eats NOTHING with beans.  No beans, ever....except for coffee beans.  I really don't know if I have ever met someone who loves Starbucks more than Brandon!  And, I must admit, that since he is like, the last person, besides myself that is still a fan of Survivor, just gives him bonus points in my book!  

Susan, Brandon's beautiful wife, is amazing. She carries so much on her shoulders, but you would never know it because she always, always has a smile on her face, and a hug for someone! (and the fact that she is related to Diane Bohannan and Anne Hernandez is so cool...I love me some Diane and Anne!) I would just like to note for the record, that Susan, like myself, also has 4 children. But Susan's waist is like the size if my ankle...can someone please tell me the fairness of that?!  And, to further the comparison, I once offered to help pick up and do any last minute jobs around the house before a prayer team gathering...(we mom's of four have to stick together!) I figured, if it was anything like my house before people come over, it would be craziness.  Mad dashes being made to throw things in closets, and in drawers, spraying the kids down with the hose, yelling at whoever decided open the bag of cheetos and proceed to do an Indian War dance on them in the middle of the (now non) white carpet.    Nope, I walk into Susan's house to complete calmness.  Everything was perfect!  I think I pulled out a broom and pretended to sweep...  Help vacuum the living room (and just on a personal note, when I vacuum at my house, the noises that follow are insane).  But the funniest thing was right before people arrived, Susan (ever the gracious one!) says, "Wow, Heather!  None of this would be ready if it weren't for you!"  At the moment, I made a mental note hide the sign that reminds the boys to 'wipe their feet before they go outside.'

Brian Burton. Dude. For real...maybe one of the smartest and talented guys I have ever met. But what sets Brian apart from most, is he has such a grace about him. I would make the broad statement that most men struggle with showing grace!  Christ had unending grace and showed it to so many... Brian really does a great job also, and I think so many of us admire that about him! I don't know if any of you have ever studied biblical history, or even the history of war...but when Israel went to war, God actually commanded them to put the worshippers at the battle front to LEAD the army as they faced their enemies. God set this precedence so that we will know how important it is to worship when WE face the enemy (I know I am digressing here, but stay with me!). So, my point is, that each weekend when Brian rocks it out on stage with the worship team (shout out, AB and BR!), he is leading us into our personal battles for that week against the enemy. That is quite a job, my friends. Plus, I always laugh when I see Caleb watch Brian...he thinks Brian is the coolest guy ever--Caleb has said on several occasions he wants to grow up to be like Brian and "sing to God on stage and wear cool glasses." Love it.

John...oh, that John! I once referred to him as a 'ham' (while he is on stage), and he corrected me and requested that I only refer to him as a Turkey. Everyone please take note!

Of course, then we have Mary. I have blogged about my pal Mary before...but she is truly fabulous.  

Rob! Rob reminds me of the cool older brother of a family. I have to say I am partial to Rob, he has shown such kindness to my boys, especially Aidan. As a mother, to have someone take the time to show compassion and affection to a child that can be deemed "difficult" is HUGE. My eyes well up with tears even thinking about boys have such a void in their little lives for positive attention from the "father-figure", and Rob has hit the nail on the head when he gives my sweet Aidan a hug or let him do cool things like hang out in the storage room with him! Rob shows the compassion of Christ to not only my children, but to everyone who crosses his path. It is amazing to observe! A little funny thing that you may not know about Rob, is he has this really weird thing about stairs. He has to RUN down them. Not once, but every single time! I can attest to this because my desk sits right by the steps in the office, and when Rob comes down the stairs, I have to stop typing. Otherwise my typing would look like this: Woiayufnao afdiahhhhajaf daa ad.  

Okay, my faithful blog readers...the person who you voted that you wanted to hear the most about is...da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaa: ERIC! (Insert applause here)

I have to tell you, Eric is my homeboy. (Anyone want a shirt that says that?!) I am sure that Sandy Walker would back me up on this statement: Eric is the funniest one out of the bunch, hands down. In fact, I am laughing now thinking about how funny he is...actually maybe I am laughing at some funny events that have happened to him, but whatever. (Okay, I still crack up about Hunter punching him "you know where" one weekend, and I think the whole Little Camper's Volunteer crew was roaring in laughter. I must tell you this story in person. The facial expression was the most hysterical part!)  I have sat here for about 30 minutes now trying to type how much I respect Eric and appreciate his leadership in our church, but I CAN'T!  All I can picture is his face when he was in the midst of his pain...I can't stop laughing!

...and still laughing...

Okay, okay...I must focus.  I don't think there is much about Eric that we don't already know, or that I haven't blogged about already.  Oh course we know about the fact that he was in Future Farmers of America and proudly watches race car driving (the roar of laughter is beginning to swell up in my throat again!) but did you know that he sang at Carnegie Hall in New York in high school?  Actually, I joke around with Eric, a lot (mainly out of defense for his teasing of the stupid things I say!) but he is the glue that holds our office together.  He works very hard, and is doing amazing work for God.  Although I still blame him for the whole twitter-thing.  I just don't get it.

Sandy openly admits that Eric is her favorite...I, however, cannot...I like them all the same.  Okay, FINE, Eric is my favorite too...but only by default because Sandy and I always find ourselves totally cracking up about Eric.  Funny, funny Eric.  (Actually, just so you know, I think Eric is everyones favorite...Rob just told me the other day that Eric was Trey's favorite join the ban wagon!)

I have to say, that I am SO blessed to have this job...I love Keystone, and as I think about the staff, I am just amazed at the passion that each of them have for Christ and their duties as part of the Body.  It is so inspiring!  

Monday, October 13, 2008

Grape of Wrath...

This Sunday, if you noticed I might have smelled like grape kool-aide, let me just give you a little tip on how you too can enjoy smelling like this ALL DAY LONG:

1.  Fill your iron with water from the little red cup in the kitchen.  

2.  However, please be SURE you grab the OTHER red cup that is filled with grape kool-aide instead.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Comments from the peanut gallery...

So, today I mowed the lawn. That's right, friends, I said I MOWED the lawn. Not something I enjoy doing by any means, but I did it. I am sure it was quite a sight for the neighbors to look at...between the stalling out, backfiring (and subsiquent screaming on my part) and almost wrecking the mower into the side of the house!

Upon completion of the job, I noticed my two older 'angels' standing with their hands folded across their chest shaking their sweet heads while they surveyed the yard. This is what I over heard:

Noah: There are somethings that should just be left up to us MEN.

Caleb: Yeah...just remind me to not let her cut my hair EVER.